selfishness.

I wrote this post about 1.5 months ago. It is now edited, although most of the original content is there. However, these past few weeks since writing this I have learned more and discovered more about my relationship with selfishness. 

I am a selfish person. This entry is not a how-to, it's more of a think-through- a stream of consciousness-type post. 

I was born selfish. Self-serving, self-focused. Growing up in a family of ten challenges me to be unselfish, but I still find myself searching for what will make me happy, and tend to disregard or put on hold those desires which others have. 

I don't remember being this selfish as a child. Either I've become more selfish or I'm just more aware of it. Sadly, I think it's the former. So, what brought it on? The belief that you have to look out for yourself, because that's what everyone else is doing? A numbness to the idea that selfishness is a sin? In my life, I believe it's a combination. 

Sometimes I think I'm just selfish with my family. This is mostly true. I tend to have more of a servant heart with people that I know less versus those I know on a closer level. I believe this is because no one tends to bug me more than my close friends/family. This is not because they are worse people, but rather because I have had the privilege of getting to know more of who they are-including their faults. I have become attuned to their quirks, their habits, etc. 

One thing I have found to blame my growth of selfishness is my anticipation of independence. When I think of growing up, I get impatient for the day when I'll make my own decisions-decorate my own appartment, eat what I want, be on Ana's schedule. I think my selfishness is correlated to this impatience. So what if I changed my perspective? Growing up does not mean full independence. I'll still be called to serve others and  think not just of myself. What gave me this idea first? Society. I think. Or maybe I'm just too prone to blame society. Maybe it is just my own sin. 

Since writing this post, I have become more aware of my selfishness. I constantly find myself making things revolve around me. Not in major ways, but in the little things. When I pray, I ask God about my needs first. My pastor last sunday said something around these lines: "Instead of praying, 'God, help those people feel your love' say 'God, help me be your vessel of love to these people'. Do you see? Instead of asking God for things to make yourself feel better, give yourself responsibility to help others. To grow in having a servant's heart. 

You may be thinking that I'm over-analyzing this. Perhaps. Honestly, thinking about issues this way helps me process things and start changing. It's a way for me to slow down and think. 

So, really. What's the point of this post? You tell me. Comment below on your thoughts about selfishness, and ways to put others first. 

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.

{Philippians 2:3, ESV}